can't eat
can't sleep
can't think
can't think rationally
she looks in the mirror
and she
wants to be me.

can't walk
can't talk
can't stand
can't stand alone
she sees her reflection
and she
wants to be me.

she lies
she cries
she crawls
she pretends to be strong
confronted with the truth
and she
wants to be me.

she steals
she reels
she falls
she has fallen prey
now dying, left in the gutter
Oh! how she
wants to be me.

To Be Me
Nov 23, 2006

***

I'm not being egotistic here. It's simply the truth. Somewhere some undignified ho in some part of the universe is craving what she can never have and can never be. It's a pity to wallow in illusion and use it as a weapon. It only leads to self-destruction. It's sad, actually, that when you're in over your head with disgrace, you'll have to summon your inner strength to get over it. It usually doesn't happen. It's called "karma".

Feng Shui has never really touched this room I now occupy.It must be the negative chi that brings me negative thoughts. Whatever I try to do, negativity has been my constant companion. Not nearly my true enemy, more a worthy foe. I wish I could pretend that the room lights up when I walk in. But I am always filled with dark foreboding. It is me. And I find myself glad today for the acknowledgment that negativity has brought me inspiration... ergo, most of my poems and stories are dark. But from this sprouts something positive: relief that I have not met my end as a writer.

***

here i find myself again
against my better judgment
mentally waging a war against myself
selfishly listening to my own quiet histrionics
Nixing any notion to cease and desist
systematically poring over arguments
mentioning nothing of my sanity..
Teacups break from my brittle hands
Handsome reflections no longer survive
I've gone a long, edgy, seedy way
wading in the mud as I go
Gone now is the man I used to be
Beyond it, gone is the man I would have been
Beneath it, the man I am--
A mere mortal battling with himself
self-centeredly praying for that twilight.
lightning in the sky,
then waning with the moon
I go.

Below the Horizon

Kerrie